Say Goodbye to the Old Girl – Audi 80


Say goodbye to the old girl.

I bought this Audi 80 in Braintree for £300, winter time – circa 2011. I was without a ride and living in Essex, the folks were an hour and change away in the ass end of Cambridge and I needed to get back for Christmas. Sounds like the start of a Steve Martin film.


This was a courtesy car back in the day. I’ll never forget the mechanic Ash, driving her round from the back of the building, I could this screeching like a maniacal Megatron in the midst of one his laughter fits. The car comes round, the back bumper is loose on one hinge and scraping the tarmac. Ash is laughing.


He tells me ‘better check there’s air in the spare’ and undoes the boot. A gorge of rainwater slews on to our feet. ‘Just gimme the keys’  I say and drive it back to the wood yard. On the way I hit the traffic lights. Take a minute to caress the dashboard with my fingers, doing a Nic Cage ‘Just you and I Eleanor’ speech, kick on the fans and get a mouth of shit. Whatever was sitting in those vents for the past god knows how many years, shot out like a wax dart from a 40-year old virgins nut sack. (Bill Hicks gag).


It looks like it has a cassette player. But it doesn’t. I don’t know what came before cassettes, maybe 8-track? But the stereo pre-dates cassette tapes. How about that!


The milometer stopped working at least 10,000 miles back. The petrol gauge never got out the red and the speedometer takes a fist-thump to resuscitate.

After every MOT I’d write a letter to the mechanic in Braintree, telling him the girl is still going.

Never got a reply.


Anyway it got me home for Christmas and survived for a further 5 or so after that. Sold it yesterday for a £130. I’ve been told it will either be shipped to Poland or used for Banger Car Racing. Not sure which I’d rather. Think I’d like the old girl to have a holiday.







  1. Colin
    August 4, 2017 / 7:42 am

    I was emotionally attached to my MG ZT until last week, when I was handed a bill for £535 for various repairs. I’ve spent less than a tenth of that on chicks before and got a bj at the end of the night. The MG never even said thank you. That’s when I knew the emotion only went one way. Things haven’t been the same between us since. It’s only a matter of time before we go our separate way. She’s still some ride though!

    • August 4, 2017 / 8:40 am

      HAHA!Yeh I was handed a similar bill. It really does put things in perspective. In fairness right now if they told me it would cost £20 to get back on the road I’d probably still have thing put through a hydraulic press and have done with it.

  2. Devid Thomaas
    January 3, 2018 / 11:07 am

    New Audi model includes great features as compare to old one.Congrats you have brought a new Audi.Yes some outdated model shows lots problem that a car owner might decide to sell the car.But if you want to repair it you can visit a good auto garage center,who gives you warranty on their servicing.I personally recommended you to visit .

    • January 8, 2018 / 1:58 pm

      Thanks Devid, no longer in the Audi club but good to know

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