The Rhyming Review of the NEW Volvo V90 Cross Country

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[MacLeod attempts to throttle Kurgan in a church] ‘Holy *ground*, Highlander! Remember what Ramirez taught you.’ Kurgan, Highlander. 


There’s nothing perfunctory about the Volvo V90 Cross Country. Sleek Enrik Green in his Carosuo jacket and Tiger of Sweden Shoes, delivers the news. ‘It will beat sand, beat snow, beat dirt,’ like an undisputed heavyweight, delivering hurt to all terrains. Volvo want to call this the all-rounder. The Freddie Flintoff of the road, at home on the highway or forest track. ‘Wanna get in this thing?’ Asks the PR girl, ‘I’ll give it a whirl’ I dart back. I get slack from Pete the Suisse Car Journalist, he’s pissed. He calls me Lifestyle. ‘Why does lifestyle get to go first?’ He hisses.

 

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A sea of Volvos outside the venue

I’m on a promise from the missus to control my not so tiny temper so I dismiss him with a; ‘Cool it Pete, we can’t fight here, not on holy ground.’

‘Whatever you say lifestyle.’

I smile wryly. Though Pete’s built. No doubt if things got unruly, he’d make short work punching daylight through me.


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TECH STUFF

The front 33 vertical chrome rib grill has been raised by 60 mil and inside is a luxurious cocoon of Scandinavian design, refined with pearl seam decorative stitching. (Positively bitching). The tyres have softer, rounder profiles, as the Monkees once chimed, ‘I could go for miles and miles’ in this thing, presumably.

THE VOLVO ART SHOW

Interpretation dance ain’t for everyman, man! But this was sublime, best I’d seen for some time. The best in show, award-winning duo “Wang & Ramirez” were in complete simpatico. Intuitively in sync. Lightning speed pirouettes faster than my eyes could blink. At times they panged apart like opposite ends of a magnet trying to meet. Give these guys the Alex Turner Prize for the way they moved those dancing feet.


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