The Heineken Experience – not Quite so Champions League

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The Heineken Experience, no longer a brewery. That brewery moved outside of Amsterdam in the late 80’s, 40k into the middle of bumble fuck that no tourist can be arsed to travel too.


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It was founded in 1864 by Gerard Adriaan Heineken, who convinced his folks to buy an old brewery from family money. From its humble beginnings it now has two machines that can individually pump out 45 thousand bottles an hour. In the old days you could put your own labels and print your own names onto a Heineken bottle. Nowadays it’s all lasered on.


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So it’s the yeast. Yes you want to know what’s the difference between Heineken and every other bottle of beer? The yeast. Some kind of propriety yeast/secret recipe yeast that they keep under wraps.


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The experience had its ebbs and flows. It felt like a bit like the crystal maze at times. Going through the futuristic zone with discos and virtual gaming stations. Then off to the Medieval Zone where you’d learn about the history and the horses. You even had that special feeling of being locked in a room, waiting in a line for 20 minutes for the ‘Experience Ride’. Which would have been tolerable if they handed you a fucking beer instead of torturing you with an inert queue of equally fed up cunts staring at empty crates and Heineken kegs.


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They played the Champions League advert in full on a multiple of screens, in every other room seemingly. That God awful advert with Jose Mourinho screaming, ‘It’s Match Niiiiiiight!’ Urrggghhh. It’s not like Heineken can’t do a decent commercial. That Daniel Craig Heineken advert kicks ass, there’s a proper actor in that fucking thing why not screen that? No mention of their involvement with the Bond franchise which was as baffling as it was disappointing. Also no mention of the kidnapping Freddy Heineken and his driver Ab Doderer that were kidnapped in 1983 and released on a ransom of 35 million Dutch guilders.


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