Whilst everyone is busying themselves with click bait articles on whether Danny Boy will return as Bond (of course he will) I thought I’d throw my fedora in the ring of fire. The best Bond girls are usually ones that the viewing public has never heard of. Here are the wild cards, the lesser-known actresses that are on my radar to be the next Bond girl.
If Bond went to Brazil he would surely want to unwind on the beach in those shorty shorts of his. He’d probably want to catch a bit of beach volleyball, drink some Vodka cocktails and admire the crumpet. But wait, there is a girl in the water that is suffering from ‘ailing damsel in distress syndrome’. Bond stubs his cigar out on a childs forehead and dives in to rescue her. He gives her mouth to mouth although she is fully compos mentis, swiftly followed by the heimlich manoeuvre with his flies undone. Raquel plays Tequila Flaps, a member of the Brazilian Spectre, (Spectros).
Jane Kapriss is Slinky D’Jour, a dangerous agent of Smersh, out to avenge the death of her lover Vladimir who Bond killed accidentally whilst clay pigeon shooting. Bond of course seduces Slinky, then uses her as a body shield against a snipers bullet mere seconds after pulling out. Kapriss is also a dancer, producer, singer and director so maybe she can do the theme tune. Bit like Madonna did for Die Another Day, but better. MUCH better.
Miss Niles plays Cadence Thrust, the main love interest – an orphan like Bond. She is studying Cryptology at Oxford and is the best in her class, a borderline savant. Mi6 recruit her on a mission to help break an unbreakable code created by Blofeld for a fanatical extremist. She’s M’s niece and also a virgin so Bond is under strict instructions not to shag her. But of course rules, codes and hymens are made to be broken.
Jessica plays Countess Octavia, the last recognised member of the House of Savoy, a forgotten royal dynasty of the Italian monarchy. (Crikey that’s not bad, I might actually send that off to EON). I don’t want to ruin the plot actually because I might make a small mint out of this, but lets just say Bond meets Countess Octavia at a banquet at the Argentinian embassy. They share a couple of cheese and bacon vol au vents, nail a bottle of Bollinger 69, Bond will say something glib like, “I like a woman that appreciates the 69“. God move over Fleming, I’ll take it from here.
Olwen is a Dublin born, London based actress that will slip perfectly into the role of Lulu Paris. She plays the wife of the late 008 who was killed in Venice whilst on assignment. She asks Bond to come out of retirement to help track her husbands killer. Bond reluctantly agrees, knowing there is at least a free holiday and an open goal for some shit puns like “Now there’s an Eiffel” as she slips off her negligee.
Lastly we have a home-grown rising star in Georgia K Taylor. EON could cast her as Moneypenny’s apprentice, Saffron Field. Bond is getting continuingly frustrated with Moneypenny’s rebukes, so he starts hitting on Saffron Field who giddily accepts Bonds invitation for dinner. Moneypenny gets the right hump and accuses Bond of being of being a player. Before he goes into M’s office to get loaded on cognac, Bond parts with “Nothing wrong with playing the Field Moneypenny”. He looks really smug and no one mentions the 30 year age gap.