Match Report Velodrome – Steady on Stratford

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They’re on a loop. They go round the block, they come back, they go round again. They just go round and round.” Truman, The Truman Show


Whatever happened to signposts? Listen up Stratford, you may think you’ve got your feed under the table now you’ve got a couple of stadiums under your belt, but how about a couple of god damn street lights down rape alley that the sober half and I had to endure on the way to the Velodrome. I guess they expect you to see big stadiums from a distance. No need for signposts eh lads? Just a couple of chaps in high vis’s sporadically dotted about should do. By the way, not one of those lads knew the way neither. Here’s my match report of Saturday’s Cycling event down the Velodrome.

Too late for you Pumpkin

Cyclists have 4-5% of body fat. They’re ripped, but lanky f*ckers, no upper body or shoulders, so the missus says.

“Bench and Swim, that’s how you get definition,” she says assertively, purveying the semi-naked lads warming up.

Best get in the pool then,” I say plaintively. She pets my stomach.

Too late for you Pumpkin,” she hits back and walks off. I don’t take the last bite of my pulled pork butty.


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The Pulled Pork Butty

A gelatinous goopy mix of bread, apple sauce and coleslaw with just a morsel of Pulled Pork for £6.50. Give over Velodrome, we’re still in Stratford ya bastards.

Whats gay-er? 

It’s undoubtedly homo-erotic cycling. The sober half declared that cycling is more popular in the gay community than diving.

You wear more clothes in Cycling tho,” I tell her, unaware that I’m defending Cycling’s heterosexuality.

Yeah but those clothes are spandex.” She fires back. “What would you rather see, near naked men or men in spandex dripping with sweat.”

I ruminated in silence for a disturbing amount of time. Probably spandex.


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Groupies

Let me tell you, you’ll see more groupies in a Cyclist’s hospitality tent than back stage in a Motley Crue concert. Okay so it’s an open floor plan and not a tent, and Motley Crue are no more, but you get the analogy.

Final thoughts 

Why do we eat sh8t when watching athletes? Nothing but beer, gelatinous pulled pork baps, crepes, hotdogs etc. Isn’t it time we all took a step back and thought, it would be ace if I could be in that kind of shapeThe minute I’m done with this foot long, and this four pack, and this huge bag of popcorn, and buffet pack of jaffa cakes, I’m going to sign up to the gym. After Christmas of course, but not untill March when I can get a better subscription deal. Ol’ hold on I’m on holiday in March, then John’s stag-do in April. Best leave it to the summer. 


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