Bilger Eck – Konstanz – Hotel Review

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Here we are in Hotel Bilger Eck which is in the heart of Konstanz, Germany. Just a ten minute walk from the town centre. Much to say about this place. Much to say so here goes.

RECEPTION: 

No drinks or man beating a kettle drum. (How we were spoilt on Ha Long Bay). There was a small jar of gummy bears on the front desk and some welcome candy on the bed. Not bad.

SAFE: 

Didn’t work at all. I’ll refer to my notes on this one, ‘What’s the fucking point?’

BED:

Huge double bed frame, with two single mattresses wedged in. Now the missus has said it’s the European way. That the double or queen sized mattresses can’t fit up the stairs in these European hotels. I call bullshit on that one. It’s a dodge and I told her as much. You know how you can tell? Because they got the fucking frame in. Failing that, get it hoisted in through the window. Honestly, zero excuse. I’m sure the welcome candy was there to cushion the blow. The missus who is the pillow aficionado gave this report on the pillows; ‘Alright not great’. (I think she was tired).


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TOILET PAPER:

Well this is an interesting one. They went to the trouble of pointing the toilet paper, but unforgivably, utterly asymmetrically. Texture was mildly pimpled and paisley patterned.

AIR CONDITIONING: 

Worked perfectly during the day when we were out getting sun burnt. Was powered off at night when we were sweating our bits off. Had to resort to wetting towels around our head and feet. Came on again in the morning just as were leaving.

WIFI: 

Only worked in the lobby or reception, couldn’t make it up the flight of stairs. What year is it?

SHOWER:

Actually decent. Nice pressure and easy enough to get in. The hotel shower gel was fixed to the wall and one required a vice like grip to extrapolate the goopy jizz-like liquid. The missus gave up. (On the shower gel that is).

BREAKFAST: 

Good. Huge Orange Juicer, nice fresh jam and the eggs were tasty. I tried to take a picture but the owner told me to keep the lid shut to keep the heat in. Which was fair enough.


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KETTLE: 

Yes! Hazaar! And it worked. The water that you see on the table, they charge for.

DO THEY TAKE CREDIT CARD: 

Nope cash only. Nice one, again what year is it? We had to march into town, use a cash point, which fucked us on the exchange rate, march back, pay, march back to the train station and leave. It’s a £130 a night, people are nice enough, place is nice enough, but they need to get their shit together on the simple things.


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Would you like for me to come to your hotel and moan about anything and everything? Just get in touch and I’ll be over in a jiffy.


 

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