Say Goodbye to the Old Girl – Audi 80

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Say goodbye to the old girl.

I bought this Audi 80 in Braintree for £300, winter time – circa 2011. I was without a ride and living in Essex, the folks were an hour and change away in the ass end of Cambridge and I needed to get back for Christmas. Sounds like the start of a Steve Martin film.


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This was a courtesy car back in the day. I’ll never forget the mechanic Ash, driving her round from the back of the building, I could this screeching like a maniacal Megatron in the midst of one his laughter fits. The car comes round, the back bumper is loose on one hinge and scraping the tarmac. Ash is laughing.


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He tells me ‘better check there’s air in the spare’ and undoes the boot. A gorge of rainwater slews on to our feet. ‘Just gimme the keys’  I say and drive it back to the wood yard. On the way I hit the traffic lights. Take a minute to caress the dashboard with my fingers, doing a Nic Cage ‘Just you and I Eleanor’ speech, kick on the fans and get a mouth of shit. Whatever was sitting in those vents for the past god knows how many years, shot out like a wax dart from a 40-year old virgins nut sack. (Bill Hicks gag).


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It looks like it has a cassette player. But it doesn’t. I don’t know what came before cassettes, maybe 8-track? But the stereo pre-dates cassette tapes. How about that!

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The milometer stopped working at least 10,000 miles back. The petrol gauge never got out the red and the speedometer takes a fist-thump to resuscitate.

After every MOT I’d write a letter to the mechanic in Braintree, telling him the girl is still going.

Never got a reply.


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Anyway it got me home for Christmas and survived for a further 5 or so after that. Sold it yesterday for a £130. I’ve been told it will either be shipped to Poland or used for Banger Car Racing. Not sure which I’d rather. Think I’d like the old girl to have a holiday.


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2 Comments

  1. Colin
    August 4, 2017 / 7:42 am

    I was emotionally attached to my MG ZT until last week, when I was handed a bill for £535 for various repairs. I’ve spent less than a tenth of that on chicks before and got a bj at the end of the night. The MG never even said thank you. That’s when I knew the emotion only went one way. Things haven’t been the same between us since. It’s only a matter of time before we go our separate way. She’s still some ride though!

    • August 4, 2017 / 8:40 am

      HAHA!Yeh I was handed a similar bill. It really does put things in perspective. In fairness right now if they told me it would cost £20 to get back on the road I’d probably still have thing put through a hydraulic press and have done with it.

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