We all have people in our lives we’d like to send faecal matter to don’t we? Saying that, I actually can’t think of anyone right now. I’m even roledexing through my old high school teachers but although the majority were a-holes, none were so villainous that I’d think to forward on some warm brown regards 20 years on. My Headmaster maybe, but I ran into him the other day at the train station and he turned out to be an ok guy. Of course he didn’t remember me but then why would he? I imagine he remembers the straight A-students, the deviants and the girls that developed early.
What about an ex-girlfriend? Ahhh I’m better than that. Plus that’s never the class thing to do. Unless somehow the relationship was built on some kind of sh*t fetish, then perhaps she’d consider it a parting gift. Anyway this isn’t about me, I’m sure I’ll come up with one, but in the meantime you must have a laundry list of people you’d like to see unwrap a turd at their works. Here’s a list of companies that can assist you. Lets face it, revenge is a dish best served brown.
These guys have a plethora of animal dung just waiting for a stamp. You can choose from donkey, domestic pig, cow or horse sh*t to send to your opposite number. It will leave them guessing too. At first they might be grossed out at the sight and smell, but their morbid curiosity will get the better of them. They’ll soon start presenting your gift around the office, to neighbours and loved ones like some kind of sh*t soiree hoping someone with a finely tuned palette for animal sh*t can locate from which member of animal farm it came. A bit like that scene in Hannibal where Clarice takes that perfumed letter to the specialists.
These guys are based in the US so you might have to ask if they ship international. These guys have got some more exotic crap to choose from such as gorilla and elephant sh*t. Imagine the look on the gorillas face as the guy scoops up his fresh steaming turd, hands it to his assistant and says ‘I want this sent first class to England‘.
These guys offer up dog poo, from a big breed of dog apparently to replicate human poo. They also give you the choice of sending it framed or in a beautifully constructed valentines heart-shaped box. Based in the UK so it should turn up fresh, still steaming. And how about this for a tagline ‘Let us doo doo the dirty work, so you don’t have to‘.
I like this one, it actually gives you that personal touch with a gallery of the dogs doing their business. It sounds like the dogs really put a shift in at this place, with Remo being their show pony. It arrives heat sealed in a see through plastic bag and if you’re looking to send a personal message, this company (unlike it’s contemporaries) offer that service.
Ok so this one looks to be the most popular, top of Google and a larger social media following. The site comes with some novelty sound effects however it seems that the choice is limited to horse poo, unless I’m missing something. Maybe their USP is that they ship internationally, which I haven’t seen stipulated on any other site. The customer reviews seem to be glowing ‘We tested the service and it worked very well. 5/5 stars, full grade horse shit as promised‘. Jason Koebler Vice.com