Despite my reservations about the latest Batman V Superman film, when the email came through to test drive the latest Batmobile down in Bicester, not only did I jump at the chance, but I spontaneously ejaculated. Patrick Rothfuss may have said it best ‘Words can light fires in the minds of men. Words can wring tears from the hardest hearts‘ – The Name of the Wind. I guess he left out the part about how words can also expel semen with zero penile stimulation. Only after I read the small print did I notice that it was an invitation to drive the Jeep Renegade, a limited edition Jeep that Affleck hoons around in the opening sequence. The Batmobile was going to be trackside for photo opportunities, which was still enough of a carrot for me to sign up.
I got to take the Jeep around an assault course, over ramps and near vertical inclines. Then we were taken out to see the big tomale. The Batmobile. It looked like a Michael Bay transformer, industrial and aggressive. There were two Batmobiles built for the production, this was the one that played host to Affleck’s arse cheeks. Frankly, it was an ugly looking thing. But then again the Batmobile is designed for guerrilla warfare, not for parading at the Goodwood Revival. However it had an unflinching brutality to it and it’s a shame the film didn’t show it in a clear light. Unlike the Nolan Batmobile, Snyder’s Batmobile wasn’t given a test drive in the well-lit basement of Wayne Enterprises.
When I asked the crew if I could take it for a spin I was caustically rebuked. When I asked if I could get in the Batmobile I was laughed away. Apparently Warner Bros didn’t want anything to be photographed that could jeopardise the continuity of the franchise. So I put my investigative journalist hat, wiped the dirt from the wind-shield and peered inside the cockpit. And there, before my very eyes, Chris O’Donnell zip-tied in full leather regalia with a cueball gagged to his mouth. Of course I jest. There were a few dials and switches, not much to report. But what I did see were two bucket seats. That’s right, this baby was built for two! Maybe Chris O’Donnell might make a return yet. God I hope not.
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