Had the pleasure of frequenting Geneva not too long ago with the missus. We trained it down from Zug and spent the night at Hotel Longemalle. For some reason or other, I remember being distinctly chagrined about a recent email exchange with my Editor. I took this dour mood with me for a couple of hours as we began circling Lake Geneva. I’d like to take this opportunity to apologise to my girlfriend for behaving like a complete testicle during what was supposed to me a romantic evening. What a pillock. Anyway, on to the Langemalle. (PS – click on the links and follow me on instagram).


Me on the balcony looking at nothing

Situated in the old town just a short walk from Rue du Rhône, the 3 star hotel in Geneva is the ideal starting point for a leisurely stroll along the bay, (a leisurely stroll if you’re not in the company of an irascible arse-prig like me) admiring the Water Jet, the banks of the lake and the unforgettable views of the water, the greenery and the mountains. The three star hotel facade dates back to 1905, a real testimony to the area’s history.

The hallways and corridors are tall remiminscent of tall things. I made some notes and you’ll forgive me if I just reel them off for you verbatim.


The missus eating a banana suggestively

Breakfast: Fresh squeezed OJ, hot croissants, everything else spectacularly underwhelming. I asked for soya milk, the waiter replied ‘..if you want anything special go to reception‘. As Sir Roger would say, what a helpful chap.

Bed: Soft, nice, did the job,

Shower: Had what I like to call the Eddie Izzard shower – the temperature dial had one nano millimetre between fantastically hot ……. and fucking freezing.

TV: Massive. Come to think of it, I don’t think I’ve turned on a TV in any hotel room since being with the missus. The Hotel TV and Mini Bar are designed purely for single dudes who like to beat off more than twice a day. Nowt wrong with that.


Want soya milk? Walk down three floors and ask the lackie at reception

Safe: Didn’t find one.

Kettle: Nope.

Toilet paper: I told the missus they didn’t point the paper, she said ‘oh they did‘. Which lead to an argument about how she shouldn’t be touching anything in our room until I’ve had time to do a thorough inspection.

Service: The guy at the front desk charged me 4 francs for a bag of M&M’s I took from the mini bar. (I was left alone for a few hours. Finished off two Heinekens, watched tele, beat off twice). When I asked him if he was joking he replied ‘This is Switzerland‘.


4 francs for a bag of M&M’s. Service with sarcasm.



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