‘Look at the state of that?’ I pointed to a creepy baby Jesus painting, at the Brera Museum in Milan, simultaneously shrieking in disbelief. I triggered a motion sensor and before I knew it, a shark cage fell without grace from the ceiling and in an instant I was surrounded by five alsatians barking ferociously at the catch of the day. Swiftly the Italian SAS smashed through the 16th century stain glass windows on bungee cords and unloaded a banana clip at my feet telling me not to move.
Of course I jest. The alarm simply triggered an elderly woman from her chair round the corner. She gave me the stink eye, judiciously scorning me with a flare of her sharp nostrils before pirouetting back to her position.
The Brera museum is basically the naughty contents of Napoleon’s war chest. It has become host to the most important works of art confiscated from churches and convents throughout Lombardy in the 19th Century. So that’s the background, now time for some Creepy Baby Jesus Pictures.
Creepy Unimpressed Baby Jesus
Baby Jesus doesn’t look the least bit impressed in this picture. Matey has turned up all shot to bits and Baby Jesus has turned to beardy-locks as if to say ‘Does he really have to stand there. By the way who is he? How did he get past security?’ Meanwhile Mary Magdalene looks like she’s seen it all before as she waves to the paparazzi out of shot.
Creepy Overweight Baby Jesus
He’s looking a bit creepy-podgy here is Baby Jesus. Also seen clutching a tangerine, maybe that’s where my mate Dan Jones gets the expression, ‘looks like a babies arm holding an orange’.
Creepy Sadistic Baby Jesus
Urrgghh this is horrible. Baby Jesus has a murderous look in his eye, maybe he’s pissed off with being painted ginger all the time.
Creepy in the Shadows Baby Jesus
Yurggghh. At first glance I didn’t know what this was. Then the eyes came out of the darkness. This one follows you around the room like that Vigo painting in Ghostbusters 2.
Creepy Kuato Baby Jesus
At first glance this one seemed harmless enough. Then I started hearing the rhythmic hypnotic chant of the mutant Kuato in Total Recall; Open Your Mind. OPEN YOUR MIND!
Creepy Benjamin Button Baby Jesus
Motherf*cker! This is the one I pointed at in the museum and set off the alarm. This is a fifty year old baby Jesus right here and he’s already receding!
Creepy Beavis Baby Jesus
And this ladies and gentleman is the top of the shop. What on earth?! The top of Baby Jesus’s head is bigger than his entire body. Plus do you think the artist could have been a little kinder on his leg proportions? He looks like he’s got Jo Brands thighs! Jesus wept? You bet your arse.