“Satisfied customers, huh? Ha, ha, ha. Hot dog!” – Mr Hamilton. Fawlty Towers.
The Prince Albert pub located opposite Battersea Park claims to cook food all day, what the sandwich board should have said was .. ‘We’ll cook you food, until we get a mite busy, then we’ll profile whether you’ve got more than a twenty in your wallet, once we’ve reached the conclusion that you make under £14k a year we’ll tell you; “kitchen closed, hit the bricks”.
Desperately in need of energy I grabbed a £4.50 hot dog from a stand outside the ticket office. When I asked for a hot dog the chef who was eating a choc ice did not get up. Instead offered this sound.
“Arrrhhh?” It was like a high pitched HUH? Like I was the first guy in history to ask for a f*cking hot dog at a hot dog stand. By the way what happened to “Pardon?” I’m a f*cking customer ass-wipe. I should have just turned my back and bid him good day but I was so hungry. Had I known he was just going to heat up a saveloy on a hot plate I would have told him not to bother.
“Any onion rings?”
“I can’t be the first guy to ask you for onion rings. Come on!” I was madder than sh*t. Not mainly because I got a f8cking apology for an over priced hot dog. Jesus H Christ.
At the ticket office of course they had no press-tickets put aside for me. The girl was so quick to say no she almost said it before I finished my sentence. Only after them saying NO on a loop for five minutes and me leaving to start a street fight somewhere did they magically find the tickets in an envelope, that was in a huge batch of envelopes, all containing tickets.
“Didn’t think to check there first huh?” I ask the girl who was in a wheel chair. I was in a difficult spot. How much can I tear into a girl in a wheel chair? Her boss, hands me the tickets and says;
“We’re giving these to you because we’re nice.”
No you’re giving me these tickets because it’s your f*cking job. Which you’re f*cking up royally by the way.
5 TIPS FOR BATTERSEA PARK
Get an ear piece radio, otherwise you’ll be watching Formula EH?
I’d recommend taking a piss before you get off the tube at Sloane Square. It’s a long walk from there to Battersea park.
Do not under any circumstances get duped into getting a hot dog for £4.50 outside the park. They put the DOG in dog sh*t.
The boat rides inside Battersea Park are about £6 for adults, which looked quite romantic if you’re with your misses.
Download the Around Me App and take a walk up to Clapham (about a mile) and get something from the Breakfast Club. Be willing to spend £20 in an uber to get back to Kings Cross.