In the morning I presented my sober half with what I like to call, ‘The Two-Pack Eclipse’. This is a rare display of my lower abdominal muscles that only appear within 20 minutes of waking, pre-coffee, post-shit. She expressed muted appreciation and we left for St Marks Square.

The tour for the Clocktower on the Piazza San Marco otherwise known as Torre dell’Orologio was going to kick off mid-afternoon, so we ventured around the Museo Correr to kill an hour or so. I was stupefied at the breast-feeding Magdeline paintings and the sober half likewise by some marble statues that seemed to depict pedophilic relations.

Could they not be Father and Son?‘ I asked plaintively.

Did you hold your Fathers cock when you were that age?‘ *She replied stoically.

After a couple of hours of looking at marbled cocks we ventured back to the Clock Tower, made famous of course by the James Bond film, Moonraker. Interestingly in Moonraker, ol’ Rog launches Chang through the clock face, crash landing on a piano below. (See clip).

However, this would actually be impossible in real life as the clock-face is bricked up, and the face itself, made out of wood. It was only then I realised that Bond wasn’t real! That Bond was nothing but a sordid rouse. A machiavellian masterpiece concocted to make me drink whisky during the day and behave like a misogynistic bastard. See below for some exclusive behind the clock tower footage and the views from the roof.







After that we trudged out to the Doge’s museum, saw some incredible ceiling porn, meandered across the Bridge of Sighs. The enclosed bridge made of white limestone that passes over the Rio di Palazzo connecting the New Prison (Prigioni Nuove) to the interrogation rooms in the Doge’s Palace. Called the Bridge of Sighs because prisoners would take one last look out of the stone-barred window before being beheaded, or prison. Can’t remember which. Maybe both.

*She didn’t really say that, but this is what she insinuated with the raise of a singular eyebrow.




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