The Confessions of a Tinderella by Rosy Edwards is the easiest thing I’ve read for years. I chewed through 374 pages in days and all the pages are littered now with my scribblings; tips and traits that guys should really be aware of when it comes to online dating. It’s a diary of events rather than a ‘how to’ book. The Evening Standard labelled it as .. ‘Like a real-life Bridget Jones, Edwards recounts getting laid, her biscuit-and-booze binges and, above all, wanting to meet Mr Right‘ ..
So here’s what I learnt from the book. And guys, it’s scary to think the stuff we think they don’t know, they do know. How women that have been on Tinder soon get to know all the tricks, see all the strings. We thought we were hot sh*t too, but they’re on to us boys. Anyway, here’s a couple of things you might find useful.
Never Wear Running Trainers with Jeans
I know! I just thought we had to keep our trainers clean, but apparently no matter how much they cost, if you can run in them, then they should not be paired with denim. Especially on a date. I don’t know why exactly, I guess it’s just too casual. I’m not a massive lover of brogues with denim, so I’ve opted for a halfway house. These Timberland Sensorflex land on the smart side of casual and are going for a 100 sheets.
Never Play Fast and Loose with the Rules of Punctuation
Binned punctuation, bad spelling and over use of the exclamation mark is a red flag for women. You may look like Jonny Depp (I was about to say from the nineties but I saw Public Enemies last night, he’s still got it) but all you have at this point are your words. You don’t have to be the next Ian Fleming, just respect the beautiful language, and maybe lay off any risky semi-racist or anti-semitic jokes. At least get your balls in first before you start reeling off one liners you read in Viz that day.
No All You Can Eat Buffets
Who knew? I thought everyone loved a £15 all you can eat curry buffet on a Sunday. Turns out it’s not for everyone, perhaps there’s a time and a place. I know this may sound to some people like I’ve missed the basics, but honestly. If a girl treated me to a slap up buffet down the Indianna, I’d be not only impressed, but would probably have sex with her out of obligational gratitude. This sentiment however is not backward compatible.
Clean Profile Pic
No black and white profile pics. Yes you look great in B&W but so does every other ugly mudda out there. No hats neither. Yes you’re bald or balding, but girls like that. Look at Kelly Brook, she dated both Jason Statham and Billy Zane. Ok so she dumped both their bald asses for a guy with dreads and sh*t-talked them both in her autobiography, but that’s not the point. What they don’t like is dis-honesty.
Ok I’m on a roll, all the above I got from the book but some I’ve learnt along the way. Don’t have a picture of you with one or more remote controls in shot. I once saw a picture of a guy on a couch, with 5 remote controls on the arm rest. Now if he looked like Channing Tatum all is forgiven, but when you’re carrying an extra 20lbs and some neck rolls, the remote controls only compound your lazyness which by proxy, has lead to your fat-ass being single. Also don’t be holding any more than one beer in a photo.
How quick can you tell on a first date that the guy is not for you?
It depends on his level of apathy. Usually you know by 10 minutes in: lack of eye contact. Lazy questions about you – if he asks about you at all. If he mentions his ex within the first half hour you’re in trouble. That’s all said, sometimes it only takes 10 seconds. Disappointment is a hard emotion to hide.
Does a guy just have to be normal and not get pissed in order to qualify for a second date?
Absolutely not. Conventional Date Theory states that the more drunk you get, the more fun you’ll have, QED you up the chances of a second date. Best case scenario, you wake up the next morning with a memory of a great night, having forgotten that he is racist/stupid/still lives with his parents. The exception to the rule is if he gets pissed, but you don’t. And minus points if he TURNS UP pissed. Normal is relative, but yeah: as a rule of thumb, no woman rings her mates to say: “He was really weird. I’m seeing him again on Friday.”
Can you give me (and the readers) a decent opener on Tinder after a match?
My boyfriend opened with: “I like your face.” I thought that was quite punchy – until his mate later told me that was his opener for every single girl he matched with. Greeting somebody by their name and asking about their day is always a winner. Sounds simple, but it’s shows a little bit of effort and there’s something to reply to. Being normal trumps being dubious comedy every time.
Has many of your dates featured in the book got back in touch after seeing it published?
I know through a friend of a friend that one guy identified himself. Other than that, I’ve been lucky…I think. my name is probably on some hit list on the dark web.
Because I’m a closet romantic myself and my Mum raised me to be a gentleman I insist on having sex on the first date. However I’m still single. Would you say there is no place for old fashioned sentiment when it comes to online dating?
Was that a typo? Did you mean you insist on NEVER having sex on the first date? Because I’m not sure sex nailing a girl on your first go-round is the epitome of romance. Of course there is a place for old fashioned sentient. Who decided that just because dating went digital that girls, and guys, don’t still like that. Ask any girl about what she looks for in a man and you’ll get a similar answer across the board: funny, kind, well-mannered, considerate. What you won’t get: likes sending pictures of penis. Flakey. Non-committal.Online dating isn’t the problem, it’s how some people choose to use it that kills the romance.
But you do need judge the level. Be courteous, interested and friendly in your messages and you’ll get results. Google her address and bombard her with flowers, you’ll get a call from the rozzers.